Down with the GIB in OC, hon.

By Darla Burns

Two weeks ago, I almost suffered a nervous breakdown while walking to my car only to find much to my dismay it was broken into, but if you know me at all, I am dramatic right down to my lime green flowered slip-ons. En route to getting a new driver's side window, I noticed my stereo was ganked as well. After the damage was done I sought solace in mimosas and Will Farell's Greatest Hits on SNL. However, the problem was not going away by itself. I was not about to drive without my cd player and my country music stations, especially to the OC Lacrosse Classic. So, thank you Christian for letting me commandeer your vehicle for official E-lacrosse purposes. It is I, the original Killer B (as in Burns) of the Wu Tang back for another adventure in Ocean City, Maryland, via pick-up truck. Even though I needed a running jump to get in the vehicle, it sure beat hauling my boom box with me in the jeep, gangsta style. The only thing to make me complete was a tin of Skoal in my back pocket, a deer carcass in the back and a phonebook to sit on, but fortunately for me I had Brooks & Dunn to keep me company during the four hour sojourn (mind you it should have only taken me 2 hours but I got lost- and isn't that just the story of my life!). Random acts of kindness will get you far, so next time you hit the toll, pay for the guy behind you, it'll make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside- so I've heard.

I missed the first game for the reason stated above but was back in time to hit the beach for an hour and be ready to play with Girls In Black. As the lone rookie, and quite possibly the oldest on the team, Johnny Pica and his girls made me feel right at home by pointing to where my seat on the bench was right near the water cooler. It was fun to observe the young girls rip the glory days right from my heart with their whole "I'm not even trying" aura. While I am on the topic, I'd like to propose a women's masters league. I know I am only 21 right now- ok, ok, pushing 27, and I shouldn't be worried yet. However, I figure by the time the interest takes storm, I will be 30 (ish) and ready to run at full half speed with the rest of the "assisted living" in the women's masters. So I guess we won and Johnny decided to give me some playing time because I'm funny and deserve it or because my hair was whack and he felt bad for me. I did alright after our motivational chant, "do it for Johnny" (our version of "The Outsiders" movie quote), was introduced in the huddle. I had a huge turn out come and support me, a maxed out capacity crowd of three, but enough to start a wave. I ended the day by showing my team the Franklin High School Varsity cheer, and they got scared. They got real scared.

After the last game of the day, Courtney (you know I can't go a whole article without so much as mentioning her name) and I met the Barbie Dolls (Amanda, Crystal and Tori) at Tequila Mockingbird for adult beverages followed by adult beverages. I did something I never thought I would do and went and paid the whole tab. I imagine that same feeling could be felt paying for someone else at the Toll Booth - for a lot less money!

Most summers of my college years were spent in beautiful Ocean City and my fondest memories were slinging pizzas at Piezano's (which lost its touch since they sold the place), and riding my bike to Fager's for half-time of the long bike ride against the wind uptown. So you must know the extent of my excitement when told that was where I would reside that evening. Initially we hung near the dance floor and eventually found our way on it. Above the gazebo was a clear blue sky and for one hot minute I wanted to move back. But then I remembered I'm old and it's not as fun when gravity is starting to take its toll on my body and then I cried. After the short depression, I took an empty seat next to Robyn Covaleski (last year's bunkmate in Hawaii) and talked about life and boys alike. I was recruited to dance on the speaker box and was able to do all these things as well as cater to my boyfriend for the evening, 9 year old, Sammy, who won me over when he sang and danced to Brickhouse. Brickhouse was also a hit of the late great Rick James, who puts the Ick in Rick. Let's all tip a forty to his memory.

Later on that evening, the girls and I decided to roll out and hitch someone else's cab, probably yours, around 1 a.m. Upon arrival to the condo, Tori and I volunteered to do a brew thru for late night at the crib. We went to Tequila Mockingbird and had full intentions of getting rations, but ended up staying there and shutting down the bar, only to come home and find Amanda and Crystal waiting for us on the couch, dehydrated. On behalf of Bones and myself, and in front of all two people who read my articles, I would like to apologize for forgetting the whole reason we were sent out in the first place. I'll tell you who drank all your beverages though, it was that darn sasquatch.

That day, round two of the tournament, our bodies took a beating but all in all, I think everyone performed well and because of our Tenatious Defense brought to you by E-Lacrosse, we threw ourselves a cocktail party in our own honor at The Angler in downtown Ocean City- black dress required. G.I.B. unite! Escorted by the Elbes, Phillipellis, Stringers and Picas, it was hard to put a finger on who the adults were and who the kids were. I'll explain why. If you didn't come to our party, I am soo sorry because you missed out. Poppy Pica performed Bust a Move on the dance floor and knew all the words. He's got a fever, and the only prescription is more cow bell. And you said politicians were boring. Brittany Spears played over the loud speakers and a circle formed around Hollis while she busted a move of her own in an attempt to convince us that she was in fact, the real Brittany Spears, pre-trailer times. We were all swayed. Burlesque pole dances were amuck, and Catherine Elbe celebrated her 21st birthday in style. The G.I.B. serenaded her and I danced the night away with Duncan Oliphant. After the party, we conveniently walked over to M.R. Ducks where the farewell party took place. It was fun, but way too packed. So I kept going back and forth to have beverages at the Angler, occasionally sneaking a few into Ducks, but don't tell them. I was finally as relaxed as my brother was when he was all hopped up on sedatives from accidentally getting shot in his rear end while he was hunting. I laughed so hard when that happened but I'll tell you about that one later.

After the bars closed, a small group of us tried to dodge the chaos going on back at the hotel with noise violations by searching for late night grub. For some reason, we all craved steak, thus beginning the long search for steak dinner. Court and I both had sore feet from our heels, so 2 volunteers decided to let us switch shoes during the long walk. The sight of men in masculine clothes and hot pink pumps imitating strippers is enough to make your knees weak with laughter. Big ups to Tony Russo, John DiCamillo and Sean Ireland for proving that the Pussycats have nothing on you.

During the course of the night, Johnny told us that we had to play in the semis on the final day of the tournament, mind you, we were feeling pretty good at that point so it didn't look like there was going to be a great turnout that next morning. I hoped for an El Nino, which is Spanish for The Nino, but there wasn't. The final day also lacked a whole team. No one was feeling good but one of the positive things that came of the night was a cool pair of Ohio State shorts I scored for Court. If you are the owner of these shorts, please disregard everything I just said. Courtney took them. We played Japan, and ended up having to borrow a few of their players to put on ours. There was no arguing the win there. Lacy had a stellar, intense performance, until she hit the language barrier. Lacy thinks that if you just speak a lot louder the foreigners will understand. I was front and center for this, and it was hilarious.

Another tolerable (to say the least) weekend in Ocean City and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. I still leave this great place with a good feeling cuz I know Hawaii's just around the corner. Hope yall can join me! And Join me in pulling for an end to the marriage/relationship of Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline. One of my co-workers, Suzanne Eyler, is in dead last in a Fantasy Celebrity Break-up pool, and the only way to salvage is a major break-up.

This is Sparky signing off by saying B'lieve, hon!

See ya in Hawaii & DON'T FORGET TO VOTE, just in case I do.
                                                      Sparky 4 Life

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Sparky in Hawaii
Sparky in Ocean City
Sparky's Final Four
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