The greatest technological advance of the modern lacrosse era is at hand! And it can be in your hands in just a matter of weeks*!
The Helio "Lighter than Air" Shaft® incorporates the very latest in state-of-the-art engineering breakthroughs, metallurgical marvels and bio-chemical advances. It is literally LIGHTER THAN AIR! Much lighter! In fact, don't let go of the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® or it will float away.
The Helio "Lighter than Air" Shaft® is made of the atomic-age molecular-metalic compound known as Zytanium®. Zytanium® is produced by the Artifice Corporation, of Atlanta, exclusively, in the game of lacrosse, for Helio! It is the strongest material known to man and is commonly purchased by NASA and the U.S. Defense Department in large quantities for projects of a classified nature.
Other companies boast of strength-to-weight ratios. Helio has no such statistics. The plain truth is that no Zytanium® shaft has never even been scratched in our testing. It is virtually impenetrable and has natural healing qualities unlike any metal ever developed. The Helio "Lighter than Air" Shaft® is the strongest shaft ever made and we'd say it was the lightest but that would imply that it has weight. It is actually LIGHTER THAN AIR! It will even levitate right in front of you while it holds a standard lacrosse ball.
How does it work? Just plug the fill tube into the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® intake valve and turn the fill dial on the Helio Heliuum2® can until the gauge reads full. Be sure to expel the gas before storage after each and every use (see warning below).
What is Helio Heliuum2® gas? Helio Heliuum2® gas is a revolutionary new chemical that has ten times the inertia capabilities of it's lesser predecessor, Helium. It is non-toxic, odor-free, inexpensive, slightly explosive and CAUSES NO DAMAGE TO THE OZONE LAYER!
How much is the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft®? The shaft is expensive but is guaranteed for life not to break or explode unreasonably in temperatures below 100 degrees Fahrenheit. The retail price at most lacrosse stores will be $499.99, but for a limited time on E-Lacrosse you can buy a Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® for only $279.99 and we'll even throw in a free can of Helio Heliuum2® gas. The kit already comes with one can of Helio Heliuum2®, a fill tube and gauge, an enzyme treated rubber end cap to better prevent gas leakages and instances of spontaneous combustion and a self-starting Zytanium® screw for attaching the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® to any head, regardless of manufacturer. The Helio No-Fly-Away tether and wristband® are sold separately for $19.95. Additional cans of Helio Heliuum2® gas are $5.99 each and last for approximately 45 2-hour games or practices.
ORDER NOW! Quantities are limited and radioactive materials importation loopholes are closing quickly. Get your competitive advantage through modern science without taking steroids. Don't be the last guy on your team with a new Zytanium® Helio "lighter than Air" shaft®!
WARNINGS: Zytanium® is a volatile compound and should not be subjected to temperatures over 100 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not leave the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® or cans of Helio Heliuum2® in the trunk of a car or in areas that can exceed safe temperatures. Always remember to empty the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® of our patented Helio Heliuum2® gas after use and never store the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® full. Storing a full Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft or a can of Helio Heliuum2® in an area that exceeds 100 degrees Fahrenheit can result in fire, minor explosions and possible bodily injury.
Do not eat, drink, inhale or ignite the Helio Heliuum2® gas. Ingesting Helio Heliuum2® gas will cause an immediate and permanent purple body rash and total bodily hair loss will ensue within an hour. Lighting the Helio Heliuum2® gas will most likely cause a fire, explosion or possible bodily injury.
Do not hit anyone with the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® unless playing in an actual lacrosse game. Repeated battering with the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® while not playing lacrosse and not wearing protective equipment can cause bodily injury.
Do not let go of your Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® while full. It will float away. If this occurs, just follow the stick as it floats through the neighborhood until it gets lodged in a tree or something and then climb up and get it. In lesser-wooded areas, the gas will slowly dissipate and the stick will gradually fall back to earth after a few hours. If the Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® does elevate beyond your reach, do not throw heavy or pointed objects at it to bring it down as you may hit people with those objects as they come down on the other side and that can cause bodily injury. Also, a direct hit on the full and elevated Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® by a thrown heavy or pointed object may result in a fire, minor explosion or an uncontrollable flying combination of both.
Lacrosse is a contact sport and there are inherent risks involved in participation. Bruises, muscle pulls, sprains, broken limbs and minor explosions are not uncommon and should be expected on rare occasion.
The Helio "Lighter than Air" shaft® should never be used by players weighing less than 75 pounds, unless counter weighting measures are employed by filling the young player's pockets with pennies or rocks.